Review: Broken Heart, Shared Heart, Healing Heart, Broadleaf Press
I wrote this book, based on some of my learning while chaplain at the Lort Smith Animal Hospital in Melbourne. It is important to note that the position came about through the vision of the CEO at the time, Rev Ric Holland; he saw the pastoral need, and got the placement (the first of its kind in Australia) off the ground.
I left Lort Smith about a decade ago, so why have I written a book now? Since leaving Lort Smith I have realized that pet loss is still a misunderstood grief. Grief is more than an emotion; it also affects the physical, and the spiritual. Some treat grief as an item to be weighed on scales: this much grief following the death of a parent, this much for a partner, this much for a child, this much for a pet. It horrifies me when I hear people say “You should be over it,” or “It was only a dog” (cat/bird/fish). No one would say that about a child, or a partner, or a parent, so why make that comment about a non-human? Love is not about the species; it is about the bond. For example, some folk have a closer relationship with their pets than with their parents. Their pet has not judged them on their life choices, there is no baggage.
In church, and in the Bible, we hear/read about unconditional love. We aim to love that way, but I haven’t met a human being who was successful at this, whereas many of our animal companions love us unconditionally, they love us for who we are at our core, not because of external factors.
So, back to grief. I wrote this book in order to
- Let people know that grieving for their animal companion is normal, there is nothing wrong with them, they are not being over sentimental. Love is love, regardless of the species, or how many legs they have. Some grieving pet owners do not tell others in case people don’t understand, and say things like “It was only a dog-you can get another one” (after my husband died no one said “It was only a husband-you can get another one.”). In my first week at Lort Smith someone phoned me to tell me her dog had died-2 years ago-and she had been afraid to tell anyone because she feared the reaction she might receive. How sad to be living with that grief for so long without someone helping you/listening to you.
- Note some of the differences. Having to make the decision to euthanase a pet is difficult (but we must always try to do what is best for the animal, rather than what is best for us). Sometimes animals go missing; yes, it happens to humans too, but not as frequently. The remorse that follows, the unknowns, the ‘what if’s’ can be crippling.
- Let others know how to provide some comfort to a grieving pet owner. Even if you do not understand (and some people do not. There are people who have never had that wonderful gift of a pet, so it is foreign to them), say something along the lines of “I am sorry to hear about your loss.” Or “Sorry. Is there anything I can do? Do you want to talk about it, or share some of your happy memories?”
- Send a pet loss condolence card, available at most newsagents, and on-line.
The book includes chapters about pet loss, theology, what major religions believe about animals having souls and an afterlife, how to help children through the loss of their pet, which may be their first experience of death, and another about the rituals of remembrance, including a simple service, and practical ways/advice to help the grieving. In between the chapters are stories about famous people and their pets (for example, Sigmund Freud didn’t acquire a dog until he was nearly seventy, but his next dog became what may be the first documented example of a therapy dog).
It was a labor of love, a privilege to re-read letters from former clients, and to explore more fully the God-given gifts pets are. I wrote it to help grieving pet owners, and for those who want to be better equipped to comfort them.
Rev. Barbara Allen
(Published in the U.S, but available in some bookshops here, can be ordered by bookshops from the Australian distributor, Woodslane, and is also available on-line from Amazon).
