Discipleship Is About Relationships, Not People in the Pews

Discipleship Is About Relationships, Not People in the Pews

We’ve often measured church success by numbers. How many people came on Sunday. How many signed up for small groups. How many got baptized this year. But discipleship was never supposed to be about filling seats. It’s about helping people grow in faith, not just grow in size. It’s about relationships, not spreadsheets.

Jesus never told his disciples to build a crowd. He told them to follow him. To teach others to obey what he taught. And most of that happened in small groups, around dinner tables, on dusty roads. Not in temples or mass events.

Eugene Peterson put it like this: “The Jesus way wedded to the Jesus truth brings about the Jesus life.” In other words, how we do discipleship matters just as much as what we say. And relationships are the way Jesus did it. He didn’t run a campaign. He walked with people. He lived with them. Taught them. Ate with them. He knew their stories.

But somewhere along the way, many churches drifted into counting people instead of knowing them. Maybe it felt easier. Maybe growth felt like proof we were doing something right. But numbers can’t tell you if someone’s heart is soft. They can’t show if someone forgave a friend, or started praying again, or let go of bitterness. That’s the stuff discipleship is made of—and it happens slowly, usually in relationship.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer warned about this in Life Together. He said Christian community can’t be built on dreams of success or perfection. It has to be built on real people. Messy ones. Ones who annoy us. Ones who need grace. He wrote, “He who loves his dream of a community more than the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter.” In other words, if we love the idea of church more than the actual people in it, we’ve missed the point.

So if discipleship is about relationships, what does that mean for how we live it?

First, it means we stop treating people like projects. No one wants to feel like someone’s spiritual homework. Real discipleship starts with friendship. With asking real questions and sticking around to hear the answers. You don’t have to be someone’s mentor or leader to disciple them. You just need to walk with them. Share your own faith. Admit when you mess up. Listen when they’re hurting. Pray together.

Second, it means we slow down. Growth doesn’t happen on a schedule. You can’t speed it up with better programs or tighter systems. James K.A. Smith talks about this in You Are What You Love. He says we’re shaped by habits more than by big events. Discipleship happens in small, repeated acts—prayer, reading Scripture, serving others, showing up. It’s not dramatic, but over time, it changes who we are.

Third, we stop idolizing size. Big churches aren’t bad. But growth in numbers doesn’t always mean growth in depth. In fact, it can distract from it. When the focus is on getting more people in the room, we can forget to ask how those people are actually doing. Are they being known? Cared for? Challenged? Encouraged? That’s discipleship.

Alan Hirsch puts it simply in The Forgotten Ways: “If you want to grow the church, focus on making disciples. If you make disciples, you always get the church. But if you try to build the church, you rarely get disciples.” His point? Get the order right. Discipleship leads to community. But not always the other way around.

Fourth, we get honest about the cost. Real relationships are hard. They take time. They involve conflict. They stretch us. And sometimes we’d rather just show up on Sunday and leave without getting involved. But Jesus didn’t give his disciples that option. He asked them to give their lives. To walk together. To love each other. To forgive, even when it hurt.

That’s why Paul’s letters are so full of relational advice. He wasn’t writing to crowds. He was writing to communities. Telling them how to live together, forgive each other, carry each other’s burdens. That’s discipleship in real life. Not theory. Not theology class. Just people trying to follow Jesus in the middle of their ordinary lives.

Fifth, it means leaders stop trying to do everything alone. Discipleship can’t be a one-person job. It’s not just the pastor’s role. Everyone in the church can play a part. Older people can walk with younger ones. Friends can hold each other accountable. People can open their homes. You don’t need a title to disciple someone. You just need to care.

This is what Jesus modeled. He could have done it all himself. But he chose to invest in twelve ordinary people. He poured into them. Then told them to do the same. And they did. Not because they were perfect, but because they were willing to keep showing up. That’s the pattern we’re meant to follow.

We need churches that care less about looking impressive and more about being present. Churches where people are known, even if they’re not many. Where faith is deep, even if the budget is small. Where people grow in love and understanding, even if the building isn’t full.

That kind of growth might not make headlines. But it changes lives.

So let’s stop asking, “How many people came?” and start asking, “How are our people growing?” Let’s stop asking, “What’s our strategy?” and start asking, “Who are we walking with?”

Because at the end of the day, discipleship isn’t about stats. It’s about people. And people grow best in relationship. Just like Jesus showed us.

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