We like the idea that friendship happens naturally. You join a gym, start a new job, or show up to church, and before long you’re part of a tight-knit group. But more often than not, it doesn’t work that way. Most of us wait for connection, hoping it just finds us. And many are still waiting.
We are living in what some are calling a “friendship recession.” People are lonelier than ever. It’s not because we don’t want friends—it’s because we assume they’ll show up if we just keep doing life. But real friendship doesn’t work like that. It’s not passive. It’s intentional.
Think about your relationship with Christ. It doesn’t grow by accident. It takes time, attention, and effort. You show up. You pray. You read. You listen. You change. If our spiritual life depends on showing up, why would friendship be any different?
The Bible talks about friendship in ways we rarely do. It doesn’t treat it like a bonus, something nice to have if we’re lucky. It treats friendship as essential. Proverbs calls a true friend “closer than a brother.” Ecclesiastes says two are better than one, and pity the one who falls with no one to help him up. Paul constantly mentions friends by name—people who stood with him, supported him, hurt him. Jesus didn’t walk alone either. He shared meals, long walks, laughter, and even sorrow with his friends.
Friendship matters to God. It should matter to us too.
But here’s the thing: you can’t drift into meaningful friendship. You can’t just hope it forms around shared hobbies or overlapping schedules. That might get you an acquaintance. But real friendship—deep, soul-level friendship—takes work.
It starts with showing up. Not once. Over and over. Even when it’s inconvenient. Even when it’s not your idea of fun. You reach out. You make the call. You schedule the lunch. You invite someone over, even when the house is messy. You open up your life.
It also takes risk. Most of us don’t want to be the one who cares more. We don’t want to seem needy or awkward. But someone has to go first. Someone has to say, “I want to be friends,” or “I was thinking about you,” or “Do you want to get coffee sometime?” That’s where friendship begins. Someone goes first.
And once a friendship starts, it still needs time and care. You don’t build a lifelong friendship by bumping into each other once a month. You invest. You remember birthdays. You ask real questions. You show up when things fall apart. You stay when it gets messy.
We don’t like to think of friendship as work, but that’s exactly what it is. Just like marriage or parenting or faith. It’s worth it—but it doesn’t come free.
Some will say, “But I’m just too busy.” That may be true. But then the real question is: what are you busy with? Are we filling our lives with good things but missing one of the most important things?
And let’s be honest—sometimes we’re not just busy. We’re guarded. We’ve been hurt. We’ve been disappointed. We’ve opened up and been ignored. That’s real. But the answer isn’t to pull back forever. It’s to heal, and then try again. Because friendship, even with its risks, is better than loneliness.
Church should be a place where this happens. Not automatically, but intentionally. We can’t assume that sitting in rows and listening to a sermon is enough. We need circles. We need tables. We need honest conversations. We need to say, “Let’s grab coffee,” and mean it.
If we’re part of the church, we’re called to more than just belief—we’re called to community. And community takes work.
Jesus didn’t say, “They’ll know you’re my disciples by your theology.” He said, “They’ll know by your love for one another.” That love takes shape in friendship.
So let’s stop waiting for friendship to happen. Let’s stop blaming our schedule, or our church, or our season of life. If friendship matters—and it does—then we need to make it a priority.
You might not find your people overnight. But keep showing up. Keep reaching out. Be the one who goes first. Be the friend you wish someone would be to you.
Because friendship doesn’t just happen. But when it does, when it’s built with intention and care, it’s one of God’s best gifts.
What’s one small step you could take today to build the kind of friendship you long for?
