There is a scene in Wake up Dead Man, the third instalment of the Knives Out film series, when Jud the priest believes he has murdered someone. Except that he hasn’t.
The scene is a stormy, dreary night when Jud peers into the darkness and sees a priest who he thought was dead, break out of the tomb where he was buried outside the church and walk towards the gardener Samson. They sneak off into the bushes and Jud follows them. There are flashes of lightning, peals of thunder, someone wrestles with Jud and he falls to the ground unconscious. When Jud wakes up he sees Samson lying dead beside him and the murder weapon – a sickle, in Jud’s hand.
Jud is being eaten up by remorse and guilt so he goes to the police station to turn himself in. He eventually comes to terms with what he has done and in another scene he stands at the front of the church, several witnesses from the community present including the local police, and begins an open-hearted elaborate account of what happened that night. He is about to confess to killing Samson when Benoit Blanc the charming and astute southern detective blasts some fiery preaching notes from the pulpit stopping Jud from finishing his confession. Blanc, an atheist who has a moment of divine inspiration, stops Jud from confessing to a crime that he did not commit.
What made Jud think that he had killed Samson? Why did he move so quickly to self-condemnation rather than assuming he was innocent? Why was he being so violent with himself?
Jud, once upon a time before he was a priest, was a boxer and he killed someone in the ring. According to him, he killed the man on purpose letting hate rule his heart. The film doesn’t delve into his transition to the priesthood but I’m assuming he had some kind of repentance, conversion, calling experience that propelled him to his new life. He is a new man, a man of God now and his sins are gone. But it seems that he had trouble believing that. It only takes one dark moment on a stormy, confused night and he returns to believing the worst about himself.
Sometimes we believe the worst about ourselves because of what we have done in the past. Those memories create rivulets that entrench themselves in our mind causing us to visit their well-worn paths over and over, again and again. So then we are faced with our old selves and it becomes an instinct to mistrust our thinking which turns toxic even though there is another deeper truth or voice within telling us the opposite – that we are good. Instead we listen to the voice that wants to take us towards self-hatred rather than redemption. And yet again, we find that we must practice self-forgiveness. That doesn’t mean that we never engage in any toxic behaviour. Jud very well could have murdered Samson. But he didn’t, yet he was convinced that he did. He was quick to pick up a stone and throw it at his old self, condemning himself once again. It takes a God-inspired atheist to help him see the truth outside his echo-chamber of self-accusation. It’s Blanc that reminds Jud who he really is – a good person with a calling to care for others.
It’s a good idea to check our motives, to engage in self-reflection rather than living a life of mere utilitarianism. In a way, we could admire Jud’s intention to sacrifice himself after his supposed terrible deed; he would rather confess his guilt than go unpunished. This is justice. But sometimes we like Jud move too quickly to believe the toxicity that sits in us. This can overwhelm the pathways we need to create in our minds that point to the light inside us. Sometimes it takes something outside of our framework – a mystical experience through nature or another person, a moment, to call us back to the beauty that is within us.
Jud’s darkness is not as dark as he wants to believe and Blanc’s moment of divine grace puts Jud firmly in the light. As the truth reveals itself we see that Jud is no murderer who should be punished, but a man who carries a desire to bring goodness to the community. Sometimes self-deception can mask that we are actually, in the depth of our souls, good. And the really scary thing is, that might be the truth no matter how hard it is to believe.
Rev. Dr Karina Kreminski, Mission Catalyst – Formation and Fresh Expressions, Uniting Mission and Education. Karina also blogs at An Ordinary Mystic.
